She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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