Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
