Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
