I'm eating all of the evidence.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
