I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
