So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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