Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
