She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
