Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
