I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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