I think my vagina is haunted
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
