Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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