the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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