I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
