dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
