i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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