I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
