OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
