You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
