god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
