everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
