my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
