Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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