Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
