help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
