you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
