So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
