I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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