Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
