He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
