your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
