So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
false alarm, still single
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
