i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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