did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize