nut hugger
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
