OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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