You really coming over, don't trick.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
