I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
