overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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