he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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