Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
