I'm really into asian looking animals
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
