my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
