i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
