I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize