I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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