Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
