i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
