this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
