Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
