so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i love accidental penises.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
