Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize