i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
