Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
