ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
