I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
