Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
