Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
