make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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