your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
