I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
