She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
