why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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